Rabbar Singh and the Rabbar Riderz
Kabir & Ali
It wasn’t stamina, the buggers were on dope, to be able to run such a long distance tied with a rope.
It was a chilling Saturday morning, when Thuk-kar was taking Kabir and Ali to the police station to book them for a usual chain snatching incident.
This was the 78th time the Rabbar Riderz tossed Thuk-kar’s cap and tried running away with it. Poor Thuk-kar got even suspended once for losing too many of them.
Few miscreants from Rabbar Riderz were on their usual early morning ride. This was one of the ways to torture the doped out villagers by waking them up, bang at 6 am, just after they usually went off to sleep after their ‘lovely’ acts. They saw Thuk-kar riding ahead with Kabir and Ali tagging behind the Bullet. The Rabbar Riderz thought it would be fun to flip Thakkur’s beloved Police cap.
Laala Laaden – the Rabbar Rider who had the distinction of running away with Thuk-kar’s cap a record 28 times.
And so they did and fled away with his cap, pointing fingers and making fun of his misery. Thuk-kar began to feel very cold without his cap as freezing breeze started hitting his head. Thuk-kar’s head in known to be very sensitive to cold as there is total inactivity inside – hence no warmth.
They said, “Yo, Thuk-kar, Don’t cry, here’s some Kleenex. And let us do the chasing. That’s what we were born to do. We shall get back your cap. Don’t you worry. Just stay here and wait for us to get back.”
Kabir: Not that I can’t untie it myself, but it’d look good if you did the honors. It’s your friggin’ cap after all!.Thuk-kar agreed to the plan but had his doubts that these two guys might flee away. But he had no other option. He just wanted to have his cap back, no matter what. So, he just left Kabir and Ali with a warning to not to run away. Since it was wide daylight, and Thuk-kar was not high on dope, he used a bit of rap instead of trance to express his feelings. He sang, “I’ve put my trust in you…Pushed as far as I can go. And for all this, there’s just one thing, you should knowww, If you try too hard to run away, IN THE END, it wouldn’t even matterrrrr!!!”
Meanwhile, Kabir wasted no time and punched the Rabbar Rider riding on the Pulsar, hard across his face and hopped on his bike.
Ali: Dude, they’ll come back for your pants by the time this thing starts. Now stop looking at me like a retard and get kickin’
Ali: “Aye, it’s one down, rest up, huh?”
Kabir the smart ass he is, snatched the fallen Rubber Riderz gun as well.
Kabir: Lemme check if it’s real or some fake rented shit, like the ones Motoroids use for their shoots.
Kabir : “Listen nigga, I’m borrowing this gun of yours. I will get back to you once I’m done chasing your brothers. I’m holding it right, eh??”
Kabir was doing really well on the Pulsar, while Ali was still getting used to the Bullet with the gearbox on the right side and brakes on the other. Kabir took the forerun and caught up with the Rabbar Riderz, while Ali prayed to the Lord above to bless him with the set of skills required to ride the Bullet.
Kabir: Jeez, Ali! Build some revs on that clunker. We gotta catch them TODAY!
Ali: “Kabirrr, waittt….can I please come pillion with you? It seems this bike slows down every time I try to shift a gear – as if I’m applying the brakes.”
With continued drama, Kabir and Ali managed to knock out the two Riderz and went behind the dude, who had actually fled with Thuk-kar’s cap. They both got to the tail of the Riderz bike and in a choreographed fashion, Kabir and Ali, kicked the bike hard.
Ali: Stop swerving and decide who you want to be kicked by, you buffoon!
Ali: “Say, you’re sorrryy, say it!! Write it down on a piece of paper 1000 times and get it here tomorrow!! Without Fail!!”
Kabir: You fond of stealing caps, eh? Now lemme show you how much its hurts by busting your Arai helmet.
Kabir and Ali get back to Thuk-kar with his cap. Since then, Thuk-kar developed very soft feelings for Kabir and Ali.
“I want Rabbar with the bike!”
Ali: Dude, I thought you didn’t have a wife. WTH are you gonna do with rubber?
Since then on, Kabir and Ali, started staying in Muthagargh, adjusting to the rural life of carrying mugs of water 2km down the valley to answer nature’s call. On one such trip, they encountered yet another incident where the Rabbar Riderz were harassing one poor villager.
Kaliya: Bud, it’s been half an hour since I started whacking this poor guy’s butt. I’m feeling kinda sorry for him now. Where the hell is that comic duo?
Villager: “Yo mama so fat, that when you were born, the hospital got stretch marks!” Meanwhile, Ali and Kabir soon came in the picture and see that the miscreants were running away while the villager was still trying to recover from the jolt. They quickly acted upon the situation and started chasing the Rabbar Riderz.
Kabir: Right said bro, you bring the fattie down, lemme catch the quick ones on ma screamer…
In a modern iteration of the great Indian Rope Trick, one of the Rabbar Riderz got a rope out from his pants and started back lashing Ali.
Ali: Yo, fattie! You have a poor power to weight ratio, you be my prey for today.
Ali caught up to the Rodeo rider with the rope and knocked him down and laughed at him.
Ali: See! That’s what happens when you try to push a Bullet off its line.
Kabir: “Yo bro! That was some real great shit! Now lemme show you a better magic trick”
Samba: Hey, that’s the only bucket we have for the whole gang. Give it back to me, or we’ll all die of Rabbar’s odor!
Kabir managed to snatch the pink bucket from the Rabbar Rider and quickly did what anyone with one brain cell would do – covered the rider’s helmet with the pink bucket. The miscreant couldn’t see anymore and fell in the roadside drain. Ripper Rider from inside the bucket: “Wait ‘up, dude, don’t leave me here alone, am hydrophobic, pleaseee, don’t goo!!!”
Samba: Hey don’t look at me like that! I’m the legendary Samba, from Jwaala, not Guddu from Kaminey.
Kabir: “You think you got game? You think you can take me, ehh?? You aint got nothing, dude…My 85 year old grandma could whip your ass anytime!!”
… and lo! You have a ‘Clean Sweep’!
After the madness ended, the three Rabbar Riderz were way too heart broken and went to crib to their Big Mama. Rabbar Singh, after hearing their rant, went hysterical and started walking back and forth to calm down himself.
Rabbar: Who do you think I bought those N95 masks for? Yer mommas?
He was mad at them since they had let him down. But he got wilder, as they had entered into his den without their protective masks for swine flu.
The three riders get their masks out pronto and wore them on.
Three Riders: “Yo, Sarkar”
Kaliya: I’m not sure if it’s flu, but my legs are trembling for sure.
Rabbar Singh doesn’t know what else to do, so he shoots all three of them as he was worried they might spread the flu to other in the gang
Kaliya: Why are you bothering to hold him bro? Every Indian knows the script. You and I are the next to go…
Thereafter Rabbar Singh and his gang members felt the need to teach Kabir and Ali a lesson and they plan out a course of action to attack them. They decide to surround the duo and Thuk-kar, in the old ruins of Muthgargh, as that spot had become a regular hangout zone for them. The Rabbar Riderz reached the spot in no time. Ali and Kabir acted quickly and got on their respective bikes. This time, however, our heroes were far outnumbered- the chances of their victory seemed bleak. Thuk-kar, on the other hand had got too stoned to move his butt and stood there aimlessly.
Ali: Hand me the gun, you friggin scarecrow! Or better still, SHOOT!
Ali continued his run on the good old bullet when Rabbar’s men started closing on him. By now, he had become a pro in riding Bullets and refused to ride anything else. That’s the thing about Bullets; they’re like wild horses. Difficult to tame at first, but once you succeed; you don’t want to ride anything else. Ali on his way while fighting the Rabbar Riders passed Thuk-kar, who was still standing aimlessly.
Ali yelled out to him, “Aye, you dumb moron! Don’t just stand there!! Pass me the goddamn gun for Christ’s sake, will yeh??!!” Thuk-kar continued to stand like a dumb moron carefully observing the turn of events.
Ali: Hey, Rabbar wait a sec. we usually toss a coin for such occasions. Kabu, why don’t you take out your coin with heads on both sides? Heads you die, tales I die..
Soon thereafter, Kabir and Ali get surrounded by the Rabbar Riderz as they both were easily out numbered. Rabbar for some reason got really inquisitive about Kabir’s swine flu mask and leaned forward to check it out.
Ali: Whoa! That was some spray dude! Now let’s wait and see these pigs die their natural death.
At this time, Kabir knew that Gabbar had earlier killed those three miscreants because they showed Swine Flu symptoms. Kabir knew deep inside his heart that Rabbar Singh was a just a lil sissy, who is scared of even mild cold. With that thought, Kabir managed the hardest sneeze in his life followed with endless bouts of cough. He then topped it up with fresh hand squeezed fluid from his nose and diffused it on Rabbar and his gang.
Kabir was bang right. As soon as he started behaving like a flu hit swine, spaying nose fluids on the Rabbar Riderz, they got on to their bikes and started fleeing away one by one.
Ali was really amused at this point on seeing the Rabbar Raiderz run away like that. He had never seen anything funnier than this.
Ali: See you in hell, brothers, in a few years. Now go straight to your den, don’t spread the vius too much before you die, and use a handkerchief if you feel like coughing on your way.
After Ali composed his excitement and Ali composed his breath, they got hold of Thuk-kar. They both were very very pissed at Thuk-kar, as he didn’t help them by passing the weapons lying next to him.
Ali: You think of us as close-range weapons test dummies or what? It’s a gun I wanted you to hand me, not a cactus plant!
Thuk-kar was searched for words to explain his grounds. But just then, a strong breeze out of nowhere hit Thuk-kar and blew away his white drape. What Kabir and Ali saw astonished them.
Kabir: Friggin moron couldn’t even select the right jacket size for himself. Ali, I am confused. He’s got no arms, or the sleeves are too long!
Not too long ago, when Rabbar Singh had escaped from jail, he came back hunting for Thuk-kar to get his revenge.
Rabbar: Hey Thuk-kar, next time you decide to chase me down, get your bike properly serviced in advance. Now get it running fast, or I won’t wait anymore.
They got into a cop chase scene which was even covered by Doordarshan. Rabbar Singh was on his beloved R15 and Thuk-kar on his age old Bullet.
Rabbar Singh: “Aye, yo Thumper, need some help, hehehehe!!”
Sadly, though the tides changed in favor of Rabbar Singh as Thuk-kar was captured by the Rabbar Riderz. They tied his hands up with ropes.
Rabbar: Oh daddy! See whose arms I’m gonna blow today!
Rabbar Singh: “Yo, you look horrified, can I get you anything? Red bull, maybe?? It will give you wings!!”
Rabbar Singh couldn’t hold back his tears of joy. He thought this day would neve
r come. He was literally seeing rainbows!
Rabbar Singh: “Ahhh, finally, daddy would be oh so proud of me! Yayy!!!”
Rabbar Singh: “Yo, listen’up, don’t you move…stay still. It won’t hurt much, just a lil bit, maybe..but only for a second and it will be over, yeh??? Ready? 1..2..3…..”
Thuk-kar: Blow them fast if you want to. Don’t tickle me in my arm pits you pansie!
Thuk-kar: “Geee…Rabbar, stop… you’re tickling me, hehe…”
This is how cruel and unruly Rabbar Singh was. I feel bad for poor Thuk-kar, but I guess it was good in a way. He had body odor issues. Rumor has is that his wife almost left him for that reason. Now, with arms gone, it shouldn’t be an issue. Now getting back to the present- Finally I get to enter the scene. I was standing all alone under the mango tree trying to understand the law of gravitation, when this dude type of guy came on his fancy looking bike. As he approached, I realized it was none other than devil Rabbar Singh. I got a little terrified. Then I saw something shiny green thing in his hand, and I knew right away he’s the one, I’ve been waiting for.
Rabbar: Don’t you worry about the stock, sweetheart. We are sponsored by this beer company to convert all the dopies of this village into drunkards.
Rabbar Singh: “Oyee, makhan de dhonyo, mere gobhi de phul… kithe jaa rahe ho? Meri soni gaddi utte aa jao…te ude carlsberg dee beer…vadiya combination..!!” (I didn’t get a word of it, but understood that it was some Punjabi shit you say to get a girl) I was sick with the daily dose of vodka with Lassi and wanted to try something new so I went with Rabbar Singh. It was love at first sight. First with the bike, then the Carlsberg and then Rabbar Singh…My Hero! Now don’t you’ll start judging me. Am not trying to be a real bitch here by ditching Ali and hopping on that hot bike.
Rabbar: We gotta rush to the den. It’s been some time since I ordered the beer. We don’t have a refrigerator, and I like to have it chilled.
Ali too heard about it but was in major denial. He believed that I didn’t go out with Rabbar Singh, but was kidnapped by him. The love sick puppy in denial hopped on his metal and began his search for me.
Ali was shattered on knowing that Busanti had fled, err, was kidnapped. Her set out to get her back at once.
Kabir too got worried, not so much about me, but about Ali. He asked Thuk-kar for directions to Rabbar Riderz hangout place. Thuk-kar, handed him a GPS navigation system, and Kabir too left from there and began his search for Ali. Kabir, finally reached the usual hangout spot of Rabbar Riderz. Luckily, for him it was just Samba, who was modeling on the cliff as usual. All the other members were shooed away by Samba. Samba, was instructed to do this, whenever there was a possibility of Rabbar Singh getting laid.
Samba, the legendary guard of Rabbar’s den…
Kabir, doesn’t waste a moment or bullet and shot samba down. With no one else in sight so far, his path was cleared. He moved fast to save his buddy Ali and apparently me. He heard some loud music playing and followed the sound.
…was shot without a hassle by Kabir.
Kabir reached just outside the dance arena and peeped in to find Ali dancing upon broken pieces of the beer bottles and me and Rabbar enjoying the show. He was a lil struck indeed, on seeing the turn of events. But, he was a smart ass and soon figured out what was happening. He realized that I was out on a date with Rabbar Singh and that Rabbar had hired Ali as the official belly dancer.
Kabir was a bit disheartened to see that he was losing his best buddy to Rabbar and in a desperate attempt to save Ali, yelled out from a safe distance, “Oye Ali, whaat dance moves yaa,.. mindblasting!! Me total fan of yours! Ok listen up now, I am going back home now. There’s nothing left here—Busanti is with Rabbar and you have lost your mind and I’m tired of those friggin’ villagers who just keep cribbing 24-7. They’ll get used to Rabbar Singh, after all he’s not that evil…at least Busanti does think so. Yo, bro, Rabbar’s got a gun, so I won’t shoot him lest I miss and he kills you. I’m outie!”
Kabir: Dude, Samba is down. Now you just have to whack Rabbar’s behind to save yours. According to the script, I’ve spent all my buillets, so can’t help much. He’s got a gun, so watch out. Over and out!
Kabir left the dance arena and encountered Thuk-kar on his way out who didn’t wan’t Kabir to give up before getting Rabbar and didn’t let him pass.
Thuk-kar: A promise is a promise. Didn’t you see the live telecast of the Tata Nano unveiling from the 9th Auto Expo? You dare not leave me stranded.
Kabir got really frustrated. “Bahh!! I can’t take this anymore!! I want to go home now!! And you can’t stop me. You need to cut it lose, nigga, am sick of your up tight ass and you’re dumb villagers!! All ye do all the friggin’ time is blah blah blah…Yikkeesss!!”
Kabir: Here, this should be enough to ground you.
Because Thuk-kar had no arms, he couldn’t move nor lift himself up. Kabir saw the opportunity and ran over Thuk-kar’s legs with his bike.
Kabir took the biker over Thuk-kar’s legs. Eight times. Just to be sure…
At the time when, Thuk-kar was saying good bye to his legs, this Ali dude thought it was a good time to act smart. Let’s, go back to the dance arena:
Rabbar: Bravo, dude! You remind me of Dharam Paaji, too good! WTH…
While Ali was dancing, I was drinking and Rabbar was trying to feel me up on the lush green grass, Kabir yelled out from a safe distance and managed to ruin the show and got us distracted.
Upon sensing opportunity, Ali got all charged up and pounced on Rabbar like the crouching tiger and the hidden dragon.
Ali: Yo, Rabbar, time to get stretched a bit…
Busanti: “Hmmm, check out the legs maan…quite leggy… How come I missed this before?”
Rabbar Singh : “Yikkkess, don’t you ever use a conditioner in your hair? It’s like goddamn cactus growing on your head!!”
Rabbar: A little to the right Busanti… yea, correct.
Busanti: “Aye, I might not hit that hard, but I can hit lower next time!” I did mange to knock out Ali cold with the help of Carlsberg. Poor love sick puppy. They say, love is blind… but in this case, Ali had gone blind, deaf and dumb, (and unconscious) all at the same time!
Rabbar: Is there a need for a few punches, or is the job done alrady?
Finally, the chaos came to an end, with Ali still recovering from the blow on his head. I feel really sorry for him. He started suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder, from that unfortunate day. But, nonetheless, I had found my true love…Rabbar Singh…My hero…The true descendant of Ravana. And nothing could take him away from me. We rode away on his awesome bike and are almost living happily ever after.
Ali: My name is Anthony Gonsalvez…