Note: This effort is somewhat inspired by our Prime Minister’s “Make in India” campaign.
While coming back home from a late night show of the latest in the Fast and Furious franchise, some of us felt the movie was rather lame and some sequences drew heavy inspiration from a South Indian flick. For example, there are two scenes in the movie where Vin Diesel and Jason Statham do a pointless face-off and crash their rides into each other. They then indulge in a streetfight with tools they use for a plumbing profession by the day, rather than helping colleagues who are busy dodging rockets fired by Maurice Odumbe. Gave us enough food for thought then to think, what if Fast and Furious 7 was a low budget Bollywood movie made in India? What would the characters be like, what would they drive?
We sought some help from Google in suggesting a terrible sounding hindi title for the movie and it supported our endeavor in a manner, just as lame. So then, let’s begin with selecting the rides for our heroes and understanding a few shades of their desi characters.
Dom Teritoh : Hindustan Contessa
Like the name suggests, our man would be playing the dombest lead character there ever was in a movie. He’d be someone who was brought up in a joint family so large, he never even felt the need to make any friends. Since Dom has a thing for cars which have a kilometer long hood, we think the Hindustan Contessa fits the bill just fine. Dom’s reasons for getting into anti-government activities in India will include his anger against the authorities for charging him additional tax for buying a car that is longer than 4 meters, and de-regulation of Diesel prices, even when he shared his last name with the fuel. Everytime Dom would come back home post winning a car in a street race, guess what his favourite line would be? “Aam ke aam aur gutliyon ke Dom.”
Brian Bandrawala: Used Honda City
P.S: We love the man and are his fans just as much
Bryan is a typical Bandra boy who wears loose t-shirts, low waist jeans and Converse sneakers. A National College dropout, his late night racing antics at Bandra Reclamation and binge drinking sessions at Yacht, led to his father throwing him out of the house. Dom finds Bryan sleeping one night on the steps of Mount Mary Church and they instantly connect. Understanding the kid’s love for Japanese machines, Dom buys a used Honda City from Kurla, adds a spoiler to it and gifts it to Bandrawala. While they were tripping on London Pilsner one night, Bryan returns the favor by gifting Dom a Silver cross he bought from the Bandra fair.
Letty Aur-tez: Really really Used Premier 118NE
This character belongs nowhere else, but to Bollywood. Where else does any actress lose her memory for not one but two entire movies, only to remember everything when her to-be husband acts like he is dying to bring her back to her senses. Like the original, even in this remake, Letty would always carry an agitated face, as people in India would pronounce her first name incorrectly. We think it will be difficult to add a love making scene in the movie, as we don’t really know what would happen if Dom suddenly calls Letty by her full name in the middle of the scene. Like her honewaale patidev, even she has a thing for rusty old rides, so in our opinion, her agitated look would go well with the Premier 118NE.
Tej Patta: Bugatti Veyron lookalike Maruti Esteem
Like his name, Tej Patta grew up in a north Indian town, learning all kinds of jugaad. A student of IIN, Tej once blew up his father’s bakery, trying to emulate the boy in that advert who innovates a talking drone.
Dom recognizes the boy’s talent, when during a trip to meet his family in Kanpur, he came across Tej Patta’s MPV (aptly called Jugaad) which was powered by a Diesel generator. For his habit of tinkering with things, we think the Maruti Esteem would suit him just fine.
Mia Mohalledaar: Used Maruti Zen
Mia is Dom’s Chachi ke Maama ki Nanad ki beti and hence his sister. A Delhi girl, Mia sets the whole Mohalla on fire when she goes out to buy Onions and Milk. The biggest dream and aim in her life is to get married to someone like Brian Bandrawalla and have kids. The MEA (Ministry of External Affairs) has denied her a passport, thinking she was named like that to insult them. Upset that she wouldn’t be able to go on a Honeymoon to Bangkok with Brian, she joins Dom(b) in all his illegal activities. Sure she looks pretty, but we are on a budget remember, so she will be driving a Maruti Zen in the movie.
Romat Pears: Used first-gen Hyundai Sonata
We haven’t spelled it incorrectly, okay! Who do you think we are, KRK? We know its Pearce, but here’s what happened. Romat was born brown, but his father used to work in a Coal mine. Every evening when he’d come home, he would pick a crying Romat in his palms and try to calm him down. With time, the coal on his hands passed on to the boy’s cheeks. Like all of us in this ‘Gora’ obsessed country, Romat’s mother bought Pears soap in tonnes, rubbed that thing a dozen times over the little guy, but nothing changed. Romat’s eyes were sensitive, as a result, even the lather from a pure and gentle soap would make him whine and cry, which continued as he grew up. A motor mouth and someone who likes flash, we’d love to see him drive a first-gen Hyundai Sonata.
Since agent Vinod Hobbs and Awkward Shaw had rather brief characters to play, we aren’t giving them too much footage in this desi version either. Vinod gets a Tata Sumo to drive once out of AIIMS and Awkward will have to be content with the good ole Amby, given its British connection.
By no means is this silly piece meant to offend fans of the movie or the characters. It is just a funny trip one of us took within the mind on a lazy day after watching a lot of KRK reviews. Think you can suggest a plot for a Telugu, Tamil, Bengali, Gujarati or a Bhojpuri remake? Feel free to use the comments section below.
What are you guys smoking? 😀